I think I am going mad as if The Incredible Hulk has possessed my body. I have been losing my cool and blowing my top more often. I guess I am anxious. The prelims are coming and I feel my pupils are still unprepared. I wish I could do more and that I have 48 hours in a day so that I can finish all my work. I need to mark and mark. I want to return all the assignments so that the pupils can get feedback on their work. But besides the marking, there is so much more to do! I have to plan lessons, attend meeetings, do administrative work, manage my cca and so much more.
Today was the straw that broke the camel's back. My class is generally more diligent and serious now but there are still a couple of boys who are still nonchalant and indifferent and they are so weak! When they fail and end up in ITE, they will cry but now they seem bent on making me cry! For the first time yesterday, when I shouted at a late-comer to my EC class, I felt a stabbing pain in my chest. It has never happened before. I am worried. It was painful! Today I really lost my cool and rebuked my class and gave them a good scolding. I felt sorry for our Korean guests who are here to study the way English is taught in SIngapore. They look uncomfortable but I was beyond any control. I felt like the Hulk and I was fully grown, with rippling muscles. I lashed out like never before; and there was the stabbing pain again. I thought I was going to die of a heart attack. Why should I bother anymore? I dunno why but this class really affects me a lot. Maybe I have grown to really love them like I have never done before. I could just turn a blind eye but I just can't . When I see them not doing their work,I can literally feel my blood boil!
However, like usual after I have cooled down from an emotional outburst, I feltl very embarrassed. I dunno how I am going to face my class tom. The hurt is still there and my poor class has to be screamed at when some were actually very well-behaved. Sigh. Something that soothed my frazzled soul was that many pupils actually smsed me to apologise on behalf of their classmates after the shelling. They were so thoughtful and understanding. I felt better but also a bit abashed. I was not a good role model. I lost control of my temper!
Now I am home but I can't forget the incident. Several teachers approached me and asked me about my 'screaming session' . I could feel my cheeks turn red. Sigh.. must learn to control control control but what to do... When I coax and cajole them to do their work, they turn a deaf ear to whatever I say. So they keep pushing my RED button and so I explode and today I really did. I felt like the Hulk plus Hellboy combined!!!!!
{ 6:44 PM }
To drop 15kg